Charlotte's Web

holiday cheer

2009-12-26T17:35:00.000-08:00

i haven't felt holidayish. not one little bit. maybe it's the fact that this is my first christmas home in 3 years. or that carolyn is gone. or that chilly winter weather seems to trigger memories of hannukah, multiple layers of leggings, and ankle-length wool skirts and now i'm wearing knee-length ones. ghastly. plus, it's significantly warmer than i'm used to: 44 degrees and rainy. i love seattle. i also discovered that i hate racking my brain, when pressed, for things that i "want." if you have to think about it, it may not be that important. or needed. i've been so used to getting practical, heat-inducing gifts for the past 2 christmases, that i forgot what it was like to really want something. to be allowed to want something that was not going to be regifted to someone else. it was a strange feeling, and i don't think i liked it. presents are a bother. well, as i was reveling in this lack of holidayness, wondering how i'm ever going to fully enjoy my break at home, my mom pulls a fast one--we're starting a new tradition this year. the gist is to stuff 5 bright red envelopes with $20 each (and i suggested a pass-a-long card for the Church as well), and go to some forsaken place like a discount grocery store, or a kmart, and hand them out (quickly, mind you) to forlorn looking women with children. with a "merry christmas" we'd scurry off and out of sight. the idea was scintillating, but the morning of, i was scared to death. running into people i knew in the midst of the process didn't make it any easier either. but, with a good deal of faith, envelope in hand, i found two wonderful families in need, handed them the respective red saving graces and quipped out "feliz navidad" and left. phew. challenging, yes. but when it was all said and done, the christmas spirit was right where it ought to be: in the center of my heart.

advice

2009-12-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

if i can give you two pieces of advice, it would be thus:

1. don't buy anything full price at the gap, it will go on sale for $10.99 within a month.
2. if you're ever bored in the library, don't decide for your bangs that they need a good trim. with paper shears. trust me on this one. (bobby pins are a God-sent).

giving thanks in the sun

2009-11-28T09:35:00.001-08:00

i've never worn a swimming suit over thanksgiving break. ever. but over the last two thanksgivings, i haven't shown much leg, either. this being the first thanksgiving i've eaten with my family in 3 years, something had to be different. on tuesday, claire, sophie, henry, steve (the best home teacher ever) and i all drove south of the snow, wind, and rain and into palm trees and pruneville: peoria, az. i got to spend the week with two of my baby cousins: raquel (3) and natalia (1) (fondly known as "batalia"). waking up to a peach sherbet-colored sky every morning and hitting the streets on the fairway for my run at 8am with no one in sight (snow birds like to sleep late, i guess), was absolute bliss! later in the mornings, baby batalia and i would go out for a baby stroll, and we'd come home to lovely french toast and homemade orange juice. jealous? i'd always said that i hate extreme temperature places and could never live in them, but here among the adobe, mild november sun, last chance, palm trees, outdoor pools and the best mexican food you've ever had, i may be changing my mind.

brick

2009-11-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

"I can't help myself, I've fallen down, I'm falling hard for you," so sings Crystal Method. I know, I know. But these Steele-esque lyrics are kind of the theme to this week. I have a weakness. Nearly a disease, really. I confuse attraction with like, and liking a few good qualities with love in the span of about 24 hours and multiple facebook prowls later. It's sick. I'm not proud of it, but it's terminal. It's completely my fault why it hurts so bad when you finally realize that of course, anyone handsome, spiritual, smart AND athletic would be seeing someone. Of course. But "unofficially seeing someone" isn't really a hopeless situation, is it? The door is still ajar, right? Glass half-full. Glass half-full...i think that two of my friends and i are riding the same boat...to half-full/empty glass-dom. It's not the worst place to be, but it's a place you don't want to stay for too long. If you get too hopeful you could fall harder in the end, and you don't want to replace faith with doubt either.

it's a man's world...(apparently)

2009-08-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

on july 3rd, 1986 just after midnight, ruth elizabeth peterson haynie had just closed the back cover of ernest hemingway's "immovable feast." then her water broke. less than an hour later, the world had me. i think the obsession began then. or maybe it started in the eight grade on my "american heritage" tour of the east coast, when one night my hotel mates and i discovered "in love and war", starring chris o'donnel (be still my soul), and wept profusely when agnes never went back to michigan. probably not as much as he did. either way, i have an insane fascination/obsession with ernest hemingway. he was a man's man, yet he had a house full of cats. a soldier, expatriate, yet a lover of words and several women. this little city girl's perfect soulmate on paper, but he's not here anymore. either way, based on my recent dating ventures at byu, it's apparent that there was shrapnel on Heaven's floor on july 21, 1899 when the world had him, too. i feel like i have been dating a string of women since returning home. if they aren't telling me that i am dressed a little "shabby" for a quick run to the grocery store on a saturday night, they are correcting me on some recent celebrity gossip. this madness has got to stop! whatever happened to the throaty, dark, mountain lodge-y types of the 1900s? gone, gone with the wind. it seems almost an epidemic in utah valley culture to breed hypersensitive, pastel-appreciating, media snobs who can wield a left foot with as much gusto as a spatula. i can maybe whip something up in the microwave or on a george foreman. maybe. i guess the reason this discomforts me so much is because i am not a "girl's girl." never have been. sure, i like to dress up, smell nice, swoon when i see bale, and i want my butt to look stellar in my sevens, but i would take a mariner's game over a bridal shower, kelly clarkson concert or shopping spree almost anyday. cereal. pink has never been a favorite, and it never will be. i am very intouch with my feminine side, don't get me wrong, but there is something so freeing about waking up, contemplating not showering for the day, lounging around in the pjs and eating bowl after bowl of frosted mini wheats. this may suprise some of my readers, as i have been told recently that my image does not give off this vibe. being pink (or really a deep, purple in my case) needs to have a balance. and someday, i will.

a few of my favorite things...

2009-07-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

i don't really have a desire to spout verse about raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. and bright copper kettles certainly don't get my water boiling...pun! but, in the middle of this whole reconnection with the world process, i thought i'd brainstorm a little more and share some of MY favorite (not Maria's) things with the world, or just with you:
1. rainy days. depending on what i'm doing, i prefer the rain over the sun.
2. wasl (if you haven't tried it, you haven't lived).
3. pedicures (there's just something about someone yelling at me in broken english,"lady, pick yo' color!")
4. hiking to beautiful places.
5. diners (my secret life goal is to become fluent in "diner speak")
6. people with lazy eyes.
7. state fairs. and the food. oh, the food!
8. compilations of short stories.
9. witty ads.
10. cats. don't judge.
11. the paper supply aisle during back to school season. be still my heart!
12. getting inspiration in the shower. usually for advertising.
13. cary grant movies.
14. going to sleep in a sleeping bag.
15. nanaimo bars. they speak to my soul.
16. yiddish phrases.
17. leather sectionals. don't ask, i'm not even from idaho!
18. gelato.
19. writing in my journal. outside. in a cafe. in paris. watching other people.
20. clean-smelling vintage stores.
21. cupcakes.
22. peonies.
23. international soccer.
24. harry potter anything.
25. waterfalls.
26. ikea.
27. costco sample saturdays.
28. road trips.
29. 80s/90s nostalgic films.
30. power ballads.
Thirty's enough for now. I'm surprised that you've lasted this long reading...

re-branding

2009-07-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes your life is in need of a little "rebrand." i should know all about this--i rebrand jewlery stores, scholarship office images and famous talking bears all day long. since being home, i really haven't done anything physically drastic to myself, like most returned sisters do. no major weightloss or weight gain (thank Heavens!!), no new hair color, eye color, no tanning, plumping, nipping or tucking. but i feel like i could improve my outward image a bit. i'm caught right now in that limbo (still) of trying to figure out who exactly i am, post-mission. you get so used to following the schedule and trying your best to do everything right that you forget what you used to fill your down time with. i actually really hate down time now, and i'm grateful i don't have a lot of it, but on the weekends and weekdays when i don't have to constantly think about re-branding the stores, offices and talking bears, it would be nice to connect with what i used to love to do, becuase THAT will be the first key in re-branding the outer me. what do i like to do anyways? i am majoring in advertising and creative writing, and i do love to wield a pen. simply adore it. but all great writers are always great readers too, and i do love to read. i wouldn't consider myself extremely WELL read, but i'm getting there. as an aspiring great writer and reader, i need to figure out what styles i really like and could possibly emulate in some small way in the hopes of discovering my own written voice in the world. something i have discovered upon being back, though, is that flannery o'connor speaks to my soul, and nathaniel hawthorne does not. and occassionally, and very surprisingly, i will stumble accross something by melville (of all people) that my heart will simply answer back to. i have always loved short stories, sometimes an un-riveting novel can really try my attention span. what else...oh yes: i hate throwing parties. love to be in attendance, but hate throwing the darn things! i guess i always have known this and i've always blamed it on my un-love for cooking (which is also changing) and now i realize that the social anxiety of it all is too much for this little city girl's heart to handle. i hate watching tv unless it is a show i'm invested in, you've always got to have a few, currently my top picks are:
1. so you think you can dance
2. say yes to the dress
3. history detectives
that's about all i have time for. i have rediscovered how much i LOVE going to the theatre though. whether it's a movie, play, concert, symphony, ballet...love 'em. ambiance is huge in my book. speaking of which: restaurants. only with good friends and dates you're not worried about impressing. when you're with someone new and slightly intimidating, the journey from dinner plate to mouth, via fork, can seem endless (and slightly rocky in my case). teaching and reading the Scriptures are also newly discovered loves. well, i've always read the scriptures, but now after i've bruised and blistered my knuckles on just about every door in cleveland because of them, i truly do love the educational and cathartic effects of an hour or so in their presence. luckily i get to explore both of these loves together as i am a relief society teacher in my ward. there really are so many incredible possibilities of ways that you can spend your days. now that my days are really endless p-days, what i fill them with seems almost an overwhelming and daunting task. what will i do with all of this time and opportunity? well, currently, a 2-pager on antigone is calling my name...

catch up

2009-07-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

Some days are the days when you find yourself standing in front of your bathroom mirror, ironing your blouse with your hair straightener and your toothbrush hanging out the corner of your mouth with toothpaste dribbling down your chin. You have 5 minutes to spare--that's when he's coming. Who, you may ask? The guy you met in the library approximately 45 minutes ago and agreed to a last-minute class-required play-attendance date for this evening, in 4 minutes, 48 seconds. You suddenly catch the falling dribble of Crest from your chin, hurriedly grab your towel while knocking over your hairspray (waiting for it's inevitable mobilization) and you stop. Think: 'How in the world did I get here? Who am I meeting? And why?!' Today was one of those days. You will find yourself here one day, wondering how one agreement led to another: one moment you're reading "A Doll House" and trying to interpret the revolutionary Victorian melodrama of Ibsen, and the next you're booking it down the hill, jaywalking, really, home just as fast as Mr. Franco Sarto can carry you. You plan on showering and doing a full blowout in record time to meet some unknown for a date, for who knows why, and now we're back to the ironing-the-blouse-with-a-straightener scene, and the dribble seems more awe-originated. You will find yourself in this position one day. One day when a series of events makes absolutely no sense at all, and you ask your self how you got to "point D." I've been there before, many times. It's thrilling in it's own right, don't get me wrong, but those moments reaffirm even more strongly that life is VERY interesting. Especially now that things in the love department have spun completely out of control and so far from what I would've imagined. Ever. Stay tuned...

The Lebron Year...

2009-06-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm 23 next week (Lebron Jame's famous digits, in case you're a little sports illiterate), and being ALMOST a quarter of a century kind of makes a girl think...what have I learned over the past 276 months of existence...well I'll tell you: (in random order)

23. The rain makes for a priceless ambiance.
22. When you find a good friend who is also a good listener, hold on!
21. There is nothing more awesome than the "Magic Bullet" infomercial. Nothing.
20. After all the hissy-fits, Christian Bale still does it for me.
19. The Mariner's are the most magical team in the world!
18. A person who is nice to you but mean to the waiter is not a nice person.
17. The words "you're my hero" from your little sister never get old or trite.
16. A mission is the best decision anyone could make!! (And the hardest thing you'll ever love).
15. The whole Adam and Eve forbidden fruit principle is TOTALLY true: you always want what you can't have.
14. Being handed a homemade basket by a 90-year old out of a white-washed hut in Mexico is more valuable than my Dolce and Gabbana handbag.
13. Homemade lasagna and "Sleepless in Seattle" is sometimes better than reservations and box seats.
12. The greatest test of your relationship potential with someone is whether or not they're fun to go grocery shopping with.
11. There is nothing more satisfying than dotting that last period on the page of an essay.
10. Peeing your pants while laughing is going to be worth it...eighteen months later.
9. A dissappointment in life is your opportunity to shine brighter than the rest!
8. You will never regret being too nice to someone.
7. "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."-Fran, Strictly Ballroom
6. The power of faith is the most underestimated power in the Gospel.
5. Kirtland is the best kept secret of the Church!
4. The sign of true intellectual maturity is choosing to read a book over channel surfing.
3. Corndogs, funnel cakes, elephant ears, strawberry lemonades and rollercoasters=Heaven.
2. No matter what you do, there are still people who love you and will forget about it in 2 mins. flat!
1. Pray always and be believing. That is the secret to happiness and success.

midnight

2009-06-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

do yourself a favor, a HUGE favor. trust me, you'll want to tune into this one: never, i repeat: NEVER under any circumstances spend more than 2 minutes on facebook past midnight. frankie valli was right..."oh, what a night!" there seems to be this magic adrenal rush that happens. mormon alcohol, if you will, that pumps you full of confidence and into stupidity more than anything. now with foot in mouth (or in my hands?) i dodge public appearances, in pursuit of la dolce vita.

zombie

2009-06-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sneaking Junior Mints in the library right now, in sight of the "No food or drinks, please!" sign. Such a rebel. Me and Jesse James. But, I have a good excuse for it: I've been looking a little bit like "death warmed over lately," and I've heard that mint and chocolate can give you a much needed pep-in-your-step. 4 hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks, junk food, and cramming weeks worth of Spanish 102 vocab into my brain at 2 a.m. has finally started taking its toll. What took it so long?! It's been a little scary how much my body can handle this many late-night study sessions, 100% carb intake days and virtually no sleep. Yikes. Seriously, in the end, though, this will pay off. I just landed a $30,000,000 radio campaign that is set to go on the air this week (pat on back), and the sleepless nights have done it for me. I guess while I'm young and hearty and oh so single, this is a totally possible lifestyle. I don't know how Mr._________ is going to feel about his wife doing this someday, but then again, I would never marry anyone who wasn't understanding...

My Prom Date is gonna be a Dad

2009-05-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

I know, it sounds like a bad Lifetime movie, but it's true. Being in Provo again is such a reality check. You realize how much the world has been moving around you, while you have been "in it, and not of it." I really feel like the 50-something Mother who decided to come back and complete her education--everyone is so young here. But I feel like I don't really fit my age bracket anymore. I'm either too young, or too old, or not really interested in doing the things everyone else is doing right now. It's kind of like when you were growing up and the age minimum at the "adult table" at Thanksgiving dinner seemed to always move up: first it was anyone who was a teenager, then anyone who was legally an adult, then anyone in college, now it's anyone who's married with children! And believe me, I'll stick to indestructible plastic wear, colorful napkins and food fights with three-year olds just to avoid qualifying for that one. It's hard not the have the big M and C words (marriage and children) constantly on the mind at BYU. They're either getting hitched or birthed just about as fast as the grounds crew can plant bulbs. Is it so wrong to just want an apartment full of best friends, takeout, and road trips forever? I must have missed the memo on hitting adulthood when you are an RM. Suddenly teh job market is an ever-so low-looming cloud approaching. Dating is for keeps now. And by the way, maybe I should start thinking about stocks, 401ks and insurance?!

Adolescence Part II

2009-03-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

Spending time with my 13 year-old sister this past weekend really has taken a toll on my post-mission readjustment psyche. Yikes. I realized that in starting my life over as a young, American twenty-something, there are things that I am still oh so adolescent about. Readjusting to real life after a mission is kind of like going through puberty again, or revisiting all of those painful rites of passage that I thought I had already successfully passed through. If I learned anything from this weekend, it was that I am still back at square one now more than ever. I'm back to being the new girl in 8th grade, the one alone at the lunch table hoping to not stand out too much, trying to find some busy work to do (like applying the 50th layer of chapstick) to avoid the looks of disapproving "cool kids," but wanting so badly to gain an occasional nod of acceptance every now and then. I am still that girl. The one trying to find her way through the web of confusing corridors, hallways and abbreviations that inundate you as a new middle-schooler, only now, I'm trying to relearn modern American lingo that has changed in the last 19 months: "twitter," "scene" and "Robert Pattinson" (more to come on that later)...

Coming to the realization amidst painting your fingernails to the tune of "Hey, Juliet" that your fears and aspirations at 13 are now your fears and aspirations at 22 1/2 can be a little disheartening! I thought, 'have I changed at all?' Or was my mission such a refreshing new beginning that I am at the starting line, on the cusp of a real life (without cotton) yet again, naturally? Is this how life works? You go through an altering, extended, displacing experience and upon your return to your former state of being, you find yourself jumping through some all too familiar social hoops once again? Is this part of the "become like a little child" experience where, now equipped with supposed greater knowledge, confidence and skill, you are expected to almost repeat some of the same experiences you once had to face? One thing I was SURE of when I left my mission was that I could handle any social situation at any given time. I had had 18 months of striking up controversial conversations with complete strangers on their doorsteps, in the streets, and all over the parking lots of Cleveland, Ohio...Single's Ward? No prob. Wrong. Cheeks still turned red. Jawbones still quivered, and awkward exits post introductions were indeed made. 8th grade all over again.

Saturday afternoon, we went to the Crest to see "Twilight." Thoroughly convinced by my preconceived notion that it was another "lame" teen movie that I was just humoring my sisters by going to. Wrong again. I found myself experiencing those same twittering butterflies and wide-eyed fascination when you discover your first celebrity heart-throb. Yep, you guessed it: I am a "Cullenite." And by now, I know (via Google) just about everything I could ever even hope to know about Robert Pattinson. Ah, young, highly unattainable love.

So, with these startling new discoveries, is there any hope for me and my ability to readjust to life as red-blooded, socially acceptable American co-ed? Stay tuned.

James

2006-12-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about a quote I saw in a book shop. It went something along the lines of, "In each of us lies a little of all of us." For me, that just reaffirms the fact that we all really are connected in some way...probably more intimately than we think. However it's the unseen and unspoken, yet heavily sensed social pressures that require us to form into separate little facades that cloud our divine similarities. I honestly do not believe that anyone is born with evil intentions. If you are religious, which I am, we would say that it's because we are all children of a loving, perfect, all-knowing God who has bestowed a little of His benevolent character on each of us. That was affirmed today. James Kim, a news editor from San Francisco was driving with his family home from a Thanksgiving holliday in Oregon when thier car took a wrong turn and hit a snow drift, stranding Kim, his wife, and two young daughters for over a week. With no cell phone signal, and food and sustainment supplies running low, James made a final heroic attempt to save his little family. He left the car with meager clothing and supplies to try and track down help. His wife and children were found safe and well a few days ago while sadly, his body was found today in the rugged and unforgiving Oregon terrain. To me, James personified heroism: he believed in his potential--that he just may have the ability to save his family from destruction, and he wasn't afraid to find out if he did or not. His life and death were selfless. His personality and valour should be emulated.

If that quote rings true, then we need to discover and celebrate our similarities! We are caught up in a world that would tell you to do everything in your power to resist conformity: get a tatoo, get high, quit school, or "stick it to the man." When really, if we all just spent a little time trying to discover the ties that bind us together as a human race, we would be more apt to realize our own potential for good in this world. Deep, deep down, we are all kind, we are all searching for love and affection, we are all scared, and we are all a little "looser-ish", but we all have something to contribute. For me, I hope I can find a little of James Kim in me, in all of us, someday...

2006-11-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

So, I realize that this is a long overdue post...probably too long. A lot has happened actually--don't think it hasn't! I haven't been sitting around in my bunny slippers waiting for something noteworthy to happen so I can write about it...that's just not the way I roll. I've been thinking a lot lately about a favorite quote of mine: "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself!" How prophetic is that?! Seriously--too many people, especially in a homogenized community like Provo, spend way too much time worrying about becoming certain people, living up to expectations, finding the right fit for thier lives, when really, what they should be doing is making the kind of lives they want to lead! I've always thought the phrase, "You can be whatever you want to be," to be so trite, but how true it really is! We, as intelligent, living, breathing, priviledged human beings have the ultimate power to conciously look at a situation we are given, decide we don't like it, and CHANGE it! We can be sad, happy, sexy, witty, unconventional, all by deciding to be so! I recently came to an amazing epiphane about my life: everything I do (or did) is becuase I cared about what other people thought of me. I did everything based on that premise--I told jokes that I thought would boost my popularity quotient with someone, I dressed a certain way to grab some male attention, I did all of these things because I thought that it mattered...it doesn't. I was so concerned with living the way I thought people wanted me to live, I forgot to stay in tune with what I really want in life. I came to a very stark realization...today, about a relationship I was shamelessly trying to pursue. I wanted it to work out SO badly--I thought they were perfect, I thought they were worthy, I thought they were everything I thought I wanted in life...but I was wrong. Truth be told, I should have trusted my gut from the beginning--you know that nagging, nauseous, annoying, scooped out feeling you get when you KNOW something isn't right for you, but you make up excuses, justifying yourself in your known wrongness. That feeling sucks, but it's kind of like Epicac or Simon Cowell: It may not feel good at the moment, but it's good for you in the long run. I am so free right now--I have virtually no responsibility outside of homework, I have great friends, killer wit, I go to a great school, have a great family...why am I so worried about fulfilling other voids in my life right now? I should really just be content, and focused on improving me mE ME!! This is really the only time in my life I have to be completely selfish, somewhat carefree, and intune with my personal needs without worrying how it will affect someone else. Basically, I just need to take Ja Rule's advice and start "Livin' it up."

2006-10-15T01:12:00.000-07:00

I honestly believe that no experience is wasted. Sure, some of them are harder, funner, or easier to go through than others, but at the end of it all, we all come out as a better, more learned version of ourselves. I thought tonight, for a brief, glistening moment that I wished I could start this school year over again...start BYU over again...start high school...start a lot of things. How much better would my life really be if I could go back knowing what I know now? It's funny, but everything, both bad and good, that I've gone through in life has taught me a lesson, a lesson I probably couldn't have learned in any other way. Thomas Eddison once said, after several hundred failed attempts at creating the light bulb, that he had not considered his endeavors as faliures, but that he had merely learned several hundred ways NOT to make a light bulb. Well, I think I've almost caught up to Eddison's numbers of how not to do certain things: How not to confront someone you still want to be your friend in the end, how not to share secrets, how not to take for granted the small, simple, beautiful things of life. I may have allready ruined one of those small and simple beauties this year--the beauty of a new friendship. With catty, selfish pride I ended everything merely with the tone of my voice in answering a question. I wonder how I let myself do things like that, how those things just happen and before you know it, you're sitting on your couch alone watching reruns of "Flava of Love." It's just pathetic. I really should consider getting an editing chip for my mouth. And even though this friendship, or relationship, or whatever you want to categorize it as probably wouldn't have worked out, the thing that gets me is the fact that there is someone in this world thinking badly of me. I'm tarnished to them. So we'll just add that to my "How NOT to..." list.

En mi cabeza...

2006-10-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about this year, but it's got me feeling wierder and wierder all of the time...kind of like a rollercoaster that rises and swells with excitement every now and then, but then leaves you hanging in the lurch of monotiny often times. I had so many hopes, so many items on my social wish list for this semester, but I'm beginning to feel like a kid on welfare at Christmas time who only gets one, or a cheaper, generic brand of one item--and that's it!

First of all, my ward: socially, it's not bad, and it could definitely be worse, but why do I feel so intimidated that I shut up like a clam, and do that dorky hands-in-the-pocket stance everytime there is a mix and mingle function? Ah! It's SO frustrating...it's like my body is physically telling me to be a wallflower--that it just won't let me get outside of my comfort zone and do something totally off the wall...like smile at someone! But I know I'm not meant to be that way! I just, can't, or atleast haven't figured out a decent way to approach any strangers yet, which could come as a handicap in about 9 months when I'm out reaping the harvest of the white field. But sometimes, sometimes, I'll get lucky and an appropriate introductory phrase will just fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to think twice about it and stop it...those times are great, those times have never really turned out badly, so why do they happen so infrequently? In the words of Ariel, "I want mooooooooooore!!"

Then there's this whole mission dilemma...this too rises and swells with inspiration and a desire to go and serve, but the thought of all that time away from home, school, family, friends, is just a little more than I can stand to bare at this point. But who knows...I've always felt though, even over this summer, that whatever happens this year will be big, for the best, and will definitely change my life. IF there's anything that I've learned from this year so far, it's that circumstances, desires, and yes even some goals are fluid, with the ability to change anytime.

Unfortunately, on top of everything else, school is not going as well as it could...I think that becuase my summer break was so much shorter this year, that I kind of consider September and October as my July and August. I have a 3 page paper due in two days that I don't have a solid topic for yet, a Market research class that I am barely beginning to understand, and Biology, well, that's just off in a realm all it's own...4 hours and 2 chapters later, I am starting to grasp some basic concepts.

Oh well, as Gloria Estefan says, "the rythm is going to get you," maybe I'll catch that hard-working, social, mission bug sooner or later...

Shady Lady no more...

2006-09-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

As my old pal Celine would say, "A new day has come!" (and a collective sigh of relief swept of the readers who now realize that this is not another sob-fest blog entry!! hurray for Perkaset!! totally joking...) I cannot even describe the hope and peace and excitement that I feel right now! I just had such an epiphane tonight about my life, who I want to be, and who I definitley DON'T want to be. It seems like my whole life I've always wanted to be THAT girl, you know, the one the boys all loved, and the one with a million friends who was smart, pretty, good at everything, blah de blah blah. However, somehow, wires got crossed along the way, and I created this shy, dark, and yes even snotty, psuedo mystery woman self. After awhile, I became so sononymous with it, I just kept cultivating it until it consumed me...I realize now that I wasn't happy, I wasn't living the kind of life I wanted to --I was missing out on so much just trying to keep up the image of this alter persona, I had completely forgotten to be me! I'm lucky that I didn't completely miss the friendship boat though, and have been so fortunate to be able to really talk about this with them. Think about it, we are here for four, maybe five short years, that's it! Then we're thrown out into the harsh world outside of Utah Valley and expected to suddenly make our own fun...our own friends. Because believe it or not, but "3 Truths and a lie" probably won't be surfacing in the Manhattan singles ward. So basically, I just want to be able to make the most of my time here. Just thought you'd want to know...

Silver platter day...

2006-09-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

ok, so you know those days when you would just like everyone's head on a silver platter? well, i know my writing has been, shall we say, of the pessimistic persuasion as of late, but today was just rediculous!! i had about 120 pages to read for one class--ONE class! so (granted, it was my fault that i put it off for that long), i skipped two of my favorite classes today just so that i could finish it becuase i knew there would be a quiz on all of it, all ambiguous 120 pages of it...WRONG!! wrong, wrong, doube wrong!! ugh, i got to class to find: a.) a substitute professor, b.) an assignment that somehow circulated to everyone else but me, c.) the reading has been moved back a whole week! i just sacrificed a lot to get work done for this class, and it is so frustrating when that goes unrecognized or unhonored. but, after a navajo taco with my sister, everything cooled down, i just needed a good vent session. maybe an episode of Flava of Love will be just the ticket to top it all off, on the other hand, probably not...

Oh, the anxiety!!

2006-09-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a bad/good day...we'll call it bood, or maybe gad. On the positive side of things, I seriously enjoyed almost every class I had today--graphic design, choir, and even biology was ok, allthough after catching myself doodling some nifty little logos on my notes during the entire schpeal of Dr. Larry Lee, I realized how hard I am actually going to have to work to get a decent grade. Then Women's Chorus adutions came up, and they actually went well, better than I expected. After that, I spent a whopping $155 on books for one class--uno! That's it! How can three little books for an Ethics class cost that much all together!! I mean, come on Dr. Stoker--Momma needs some new highlights!! I need to go to the dollar theatre everyonce in awhile!! Ok, so maybe I'm overreacting just a little, but if you don't know me, then you obviously don't know what an incredible tight wad I am!! Seriously, you think that you like to save a buck or two every now and then, I will honestly go out of my way to avoid handing over my hard earned $7.50/hr to the every growing, faceless, corporate shame that is the American market. Then, there was the ward activity. Enough said for some of you, becuase that may be like hearing the words "games" and "friday night date" together in the same sentence. I absolutley detest large group gatherings where a bunch of strangers are expected to mingle, I mean come on! We're all insecure, incredibly shallow (at times) humans! No way are we going to go up to someone and just start gabbing! I spent almost the entire evening in that wierd both-hands-in-the-pockets stance, while getting pelted by water balloons. Not fun. The sad part is though, the really sad part, is that I know I can only blame myself for not having fun--that's it, no one else! I am in charge of my own destiny!!! No matter how much self confidence I think that I need in order to meet people, I really just need to suck it up, bite the bullet, stick out my right hand and say those three little words that stand between me being alone friday nights and out doing something with friends: "Hi, I'm Charlotte..."

P-Town...

2006-09-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm "back in the saddle again," I guess you could say. Yep, I've moved into my new apt., kissed the family goodbye, and the first day of school is looming over the Wasatch horizon, and I think I'm getting pretty close to ready for it: New pens, check. New planner, check. First round of choir auditions, check. And now the first Sunday in the new ward is over. The new school year hurdles are being jumped, one at a time. The excitement for all of this newness is still there, but there is also this feeling of untapped potential inside of me that I feel I need to work hard to discover this next year. I still need to figure out things like if I'm going to serve a Mission, change my major, go away for a semester on an international internship, etc. But right now, at the smell of my apt., I'm trying to figure out if I burnt my soup for dinner yet or not...

Last day of work!!! and my hair...

2006-08-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten a REALLY bad haircut? I mean a disgustingly frayed and choppy pile of string on your scalp? Well, I did...on Saturday! I mean, this hairdresser literally said, "Just so you know, I will kind of do my own thing, but I'll work with you." Can you believe it!! Well, I cried, oh my gosh did I cry (ok, sounds a little like that 4 Non-Blondes song there...) and I had an especially bad break down right before church because I was determined everyone would think I looked like a boy...but lo and behold, the hair dresser angels were smiling down on me, becuase after I fixed myself up, I actually liked it so much better!! So, if you happen to see me around campus you'll just have to judge for yourself whether I'm approaching that gender-switching hair barrier or not...but if you do recognize me, you probably spend way too much time on facebook anyways, so who are you to judge?!? haha...well, yes it's true, this is also my last day of work...it's been good, but I'm excited to go back to school, and get back into the rigamaroll of things again. And today is my last, sniff, time downtown! With buildings over 10 stories!!! ahhh!!! and the ocean, and everything that I love dearly about this city!!! Oh well, I'll just have to see what Provo has in store for me this year...

Friday, Friday...

2006-08-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Yay! The weekend has arrived, the sun is shining and we got pizza at work today...well, I realize that I haven't written in awhile, so here is a little update: I leave the beautiful city of Seattle next Thursday for Provo--ickily hot, mountainous Provo, but I'm excited none the less! I do love being at home with the oceanic views, the liberals, the Starbucks on every corner, and buildings over 5 stories (the SWKT does NOT count!)...School should be good though. It's gonna be a hard adjustment living with people I don't know, working everyday and having to start being serious about my classes becuase, yes, I will need to actually know this stuff in the future!!! But I'm excited for the new wardies, the parties, and of course my late-night dates with "Harry Lee." I also haven't seen my amigos in awhile too, so that will be fun, even though we'll be, sniff, about 5 blocks away from eachother! Brynn and I are thinking about starting a band. Me on drums, her on the keyboard, Alyssa on the groovy tambourine, and Jaimo, or maybe Brandon on guitar. I wanted to call it THE CHARLOTTE PROJECT, or maybe the less austentacious, THE CHARLOTTE EXPERIENCE. However, I was shot down both times. sheesh. Well, I guess I have more important things to think about now, like packing, saying goodbye to high school friends, and my brow waxing appointment with a woman named Paulette on Tuesday...

Sick day...

2006-08-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

Last night was just terrible...you know that dry, irritated, scratchy feeling you get on the roof of your mouth when you've been breathing out of your mouth for a while because your nose is too clogged up to inhale/exhale out of? Well, that was my night...pure torture!!! I don't know how I mustered up the strength to make it into work today--my ears are so stuffed up that I can hardly hear a thing, my eyes are runny, my nose, well, it's practically running away from me, and my mouth, well let's not even talk about how dry it is! Luckily though, the pounding headache that I had yesterday is gone.

So, I got some more stuff to do at work today--surprising how quickly the time flies by when you're occupied. Not that data entry is intellectually stimulating, but atleast it's something to do...

When I was cleaning my room last night, I got a really good idea for a story (short story) to write, so I can't wait to get home, get into my sweats with a brownie sundae, curl up on my back porch with my cat and my notebook, and just write away...

Yep, well, that's about it for today--Adios!!!

The life of a Data Entry Slave...

2006-08-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Staring out the window of the 40th floor of my place of employment I can see the Space Needle and a sweeping view of Puget Sound. I can make myself virtually ANY mocktail under the sun, use a pretty nifty set of binoculars to stare at my worker-bee counterparts accross the street, oh, and have time to create this blogspot because I am the last one here, and was left with zilch, sip, nunca, nada to do!!! Some might say that this is a pretty plush set up, but I really cannot stand idle time at the workplace. At home, that's another thing, because I'm constantly surrounded by things to do, such as my ever-growing pile of scrapbooks to make, songs to learn, or books to read. But here, I just try and make myself look busy by typing away on the computadora, fantasizing that I am penning some sleek little column for the New Yorker or something of that ilk....not to worry, dear reader, my summer of "looking busy" will come to an end soon as I am heading back to the "Y" in 2 1/2 weeks to start my junior year!! I don't know why, but I get this whinnied, heart-pounding excitement whenever I think about this next school year--who knows what it will bring? A killer internship at a fabulous ad agency or magazine? True love? The discovering of my life's destiny? A new book penned by yours truly? Or maybe just a great set of roommates who will do thier dishes! haha... well, whatever it is, I'll keep you posted! Cheers!!