I honestly believe that no experience is wasted. Sure, some of them are harder, funner, or easier to go through than others, but at the end of it all, we all come out as a better, more learned version of ourselves. I thought tonight, for a brief, glistening moment that I wished I could start this school year over again...start BYU over again...start high school...start a lot of things. How much better would my life really be if I could go back knowing what I know now? It's funny, but everything, both bad and good, that I've gone through in life has taught me a lesson, a lesson I probably couldn't have learned in any other way. Thomas Eddison once said, after several hundred failed attempts at creating the light bulb, that he had not considered his endeavors as faliures, but that he had merely learned several hundred ways NOT to make a light bulb. Well, I think I've almost caught up to Eddison's numbers of how not to do certain things: How not to confront someone you still want to be your friend in the end, how not to share secrets, how not to take for granted the small, simple, beautiful things of life. I may have allready ruined one of those small and simple beauties this year--the beauty of a new friendship. With catty, selfish pride I ended everything merely with the tone of my voice in answering a question. I wonder how I let myself do things like that, how those things just happen and before you know it, you're sitting on your couch alone watching reruns of "Flava of Love." It's just pathetic. I really should consider getting an editing chip for my mouth. And even though this friendship, or relationship, or whatever you want to categorize it as probably wouldn't have worked out, the thing that gets me is the fact that there is someone in this world thinking badly of me. I'm tarnished to them. So we'll just add that to my "How NOT to..." list.

En mi cabeza...

I don't know what it is about this year, but it's got me feeling wierder and wierder all of the time...kind of like a rollercoaster that rises and swells with excitement every now and then, but then leaves you hanging in the lurch of monotiny often times. I had so many hopes, so many items on my social wish list for this semester, but I'm beginning to feel like a kid on welfare at Christmas time who only gets one, or a cheaper, generic brand of one item--and that's it!

First of all, my ward: socially, it's not bad, and it could definitely be worse, but why do I feel so intimidated that I shut up like a clam, and do that dorky hands-in-the-pocket stance everytime there is a mix and mingle function? Ah! It's SO frustrating...it's like my body is physically telling me to be a wallflower--that it just won't let me get outside of my comfort zone and do something totally off the wall...like smile at someone! But I know I'm not meant to be that way! I just, can't, or atleast haven't figured out a decent way to approach any strangers yet, which could come as a handicap in about 9 months when I'm out reaping the harvest of the white field. But sometimes, sometimes, I'll get lucky and an appropriate introductory phrase will just fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to think twice about it and stop it...those times are great, those times have never really turned out badly, so why do they happen so infrequently? In the words of Ariel, "I want mooooooooooore!!"

Then there's this whole mission dilemma...this too rises and swells with inspiration and a desire to go and serve, but the thought of all that time away from home, school, family, friends, is just a little more than I can stand to bare at this point. But who knows...I've always felt though, even over this summer, that whatever happens this year will be big, for the best, and will definitely change my life. IF there's anything that I've learned from this year so far, it's that circumstances, desires, and yes even some goals are fluid, with the ability to change anytime.

Unfortunately, on top of everything else, school is not going as well as it could...I think that becuase my summer break was so much shorter this year, that I kind of consider September and October as my July and August. I have a 3 page paper due in two days that I don't have a solid topic for yet, a Market research class that I am barely beginning to understand, and Biology, well, that's just off in a realm all it's own...4 hours and 2 chapters later, I am starting to grasp some basic concepts.

Oh well, as Gloria Estefan says, "the rythm is going to get you," maybe I'll catch that hard-working, social, mission bug sooner or later...