holiday cheer

i haven't felt holidayish. not one little bit. maybe it's the fact that this is my first christmas home in 3 years. or that carolyn is gone. or that chilly winter weather seems to trigger memories of hannukah, multiple layers of leggings, and ankle-length wool skirts and now i'm wearing knee-length ones. ghastly. plus, it's significantly warmer than i'm used to: 44 degrees and rainy. i love seattle. i also discovered that i hate racking my brain, when pressed, for things that i "want." if you have to think about it, it may not be that important. or needed. i've been so used to getting practical, heat-inducing gifts for the past 2 christmases, that i forgot what it was like to really want something. to be allowed to want something that was not going to be regifted to someone else. it was a strange feeling, and i don't think i liked it. presents are a bother. well, as i was reveling in this lack of holidayness, wondering how i'm ever going to fully enjoy my break at home, my mom pulls a fast one--we're starting a new tradition this year. the gist is to stuff 5 bright red envelopes with $20 each (and i suggested a pass-a-long card for the Church as well), and go to some forsaken place like a discount grocery store, or a kmart, and hand them out (quickly, mind you) to forlorn looking women with children. with a "merry christmas" we'd scurry off and out of sight. the idea was scintillating, but the morning of, i was scared to death. running into people i knew in the midst of the process didn't make it any easier either. but, with a good deal of faith, envelope in hand, i found two wonderful families in need, handed them the respective red saving graces and quipped out "feliz navidad" and left. phew. challenging, yes. but when it was all said and done, the christmas spirit was right where it ought to be: in the center of my heart.

advice

if i can give you two pieces of advice, it would be thus:

1. don't buy anything full price at the gap, it will go on sale for $10.99 within a month.
2. if you're ever bored in the library, don't decide for your bangs that they need a good trim. with paper shears. trust me on this one. (bobby pins are a God-sent).

giving thanks in the sun

i've never worn a swimming suit over thanksgiving break. ever. but over the last two thanksgivings, i haven't shown much leg, either. this being the first thanksgiving i've eaten with my family in 3 years, something had to be different. on tuesday, claire, sophie, henry, steve (the best home teacher ever) and i all drove south of the snow, wind, and rain and into palm trees and pruneville: peoria, az. i got to spend the week with two of my baby cousins: raquel (3) and natalia (1) (fondly known as "batalia"). waking up to a peach sherbet-colored sky every morning and hitting the streets on the fairway for my run at 8am with no one in sight (snow birds like to sleep late, i guess), was absolute bliss! later in the mornings, baby batalia and i would go out for a baby stroll, and we'd come home to lovely french toast and homemade orange juice. jealous? i'd always said that i hate extreme temperature places and could never live in them, but here among the adobe, mild november sun, last chance, palm trees, outdoor pools and the best mexican food you've ever had, i may be changing my mind.

brick

"I can't help myself, I've fallen down, I'm falling hard for you," so sings Crystal Method. I know, I know. But these Steele-esque lyrics are kind of the theme to this week. I have a weakness. Nearly a disease, really. I confuse attraction with like, and liking a few good qualities with love in the span of about 24 hours and multiple facebook prowls later. It's sick. I'm not proud of it, but it's terminal. It's completely my fault why it hurts so bad when you finally realize that of course, anyone handsome, spiritual, smart AND athletic would be seeing someone. Of course. But "unofficially seeing someone" isn't really a hopeless situation, is it? The door is still ajar, right? Glass half-full. Glass half-full...i think that two of my friends and i are riding the same boat...to half-full/empty glass-dom. It's not the worst place to be, but it's a place you don't want to stay for too long. If you get too hopeful you could fall harder in the end, and you don't want to replace faith with doubt either.

it's a man's world...(apparently)

on july 3rd, 1986 just after midnight, ruth elizabeth peterson haynie had just closed the back cover of ernest hemingway's "immovable feast." then her water broke. less than an hour later, the world had me. i think the obsession began then. or maybe it started in the eight grade on my "american heritage" tour of the east coast, when one night my hotel mates and i discovered "in love and war", starring chris o'donnel (be still my soul), and wept profusely when agnes never went back to michigan. probably not as much as he did. either way, i have an insane fascination/obsession with ernest hemingway. he was a man's man, yet he had a house full of cats. a soldier, expatriate, yet a lover of words and several women. this little city girl's perfect soulmate on paper, but he's not here anymore. either way, based on my recent dating ventures at byu, it's apparent that there was shrapnel on Heaven's floor on july 21, 1899 when the world had him, too. i feel like i have been dating a string of women since returning home. if they aren't telling me that i am dressed a little "shabby" for a quick run to the grocery store on a saturday night, they are correcting me on some recent celebrity gossip. this madness has got to stop! whatever happened to the throaty, dark, mountain lodge-y types of the 1900s? gone, gone with the wind. it seems almost an epidemic in utah valley culture to breed hypersensitive, pastel-appreciating, media snobs who can wield a left foot with as much gusto as a spatula. i can maybe whip something up in the microwave or on a george foreman. maybe. i guess the reason this discomforts me so much is because i am not a "girl's girl." never have been. sure, i like to dress up, smell nice, swoon when i see bale, and i want my butt to look stellar in my sevens, but i would take a mariner's game over a bridal shower, kelly clarkson concert or shopping spree almost anyday. cereal. pink has never been a favorite, and it never will be. i am very intouch with my feminine side, don't get me wrong, but there is something so freeing about waking up, contemplating not showering for the day, lounging around in the pjs and eating bowl after bowl of frosted mini wheats. this may suprise some of my readers, as i have been told recently that my image does not give off this vibe. being pink (or really a deep, purple in my case) needs to have a balance. and someday, i will.

a few of my favorite things...

i don't really have a desire to spout verse about raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. and bright copper kettles certainly don't get my water boiling...pun! but, in the middle of this whole reconnection with the world process, i thought i'd brainstorm a little more and share some of MY favorite (not Maria's) things with the world, or just with you:
1. rainy days. depending on what i'm doing, i prefer the rain over the sun.
2. wasl (if you haven't tried it, you haven't lived).
3. pedicures (there's just something about someone yelling at me in broken english,"lady, pick yo' color!")
4. hiking to beautiful places.
5. diners (my secret life goal is to become fluent in "diner speak")
6. people with lazy eyes.
7. state fairs. and the food. oh, the food!
8. compilations of short stories.
9. witty ads.
10. cats. don't judge.
11. the paper supply aisle during back to school season. be still my heart!
12. getting inspiration in the shower. usually for advertising.
13. cary grant movies.
14. going to sleep in a sleeping bag.
15. nanaimo bars. they speak to my soul.
16. yiddish phrases.
17. leather sectionals. don't ask, i'm not even from idaho!
18. gelato.
19. writing in my journal. outside. in a cafe. in paris. watching other people.
20. clean-smelling vintage stores.
21. cupcakes.
22. peonies.
23. international soccer.
24. harry potter anything.
25. waterfalls.
26. ikea.
27. costco sample saturdays.
28. road trips.
29. 80s/90s nostalgic films.
30. power ballads.
Thirty's enough for now. I'm surprised that you've lasted this long reading...

re-branding

sometimes your life is in need of a little "rebrand." i should know all about this--i rebrand jewlery stores, scholarship office images and famous talking bears all day long. since being home, i really haven't done anything physically drastic to myself, like most returned sisters do. no major weightloss or weight gain (thank Heavens!!), no new hair color, eye color, no tanning, plumping, nipping or tucking. but i feel like i could improve my outward image a bit. i'm caught right now in that limbo (still) of trying to figure out who exactly i am, post-mission. you get so used to following the schedule and trying your best to do everything right that you forget what you used to fill your down time with. i actually really hate down time now, and i'm grateful i don't have a lot of it, but on the weekends and weekdays when i don't have to constantly think about re-branding the stores, offices and talking bears, it would be nice to connect with what i used to love to do, becuase THAT will be the first key in re-branding the outer me. what do i like to do anyways? i am majoring in advertising and creative writing, and i do love to wield a pen. simply adore it. but all great writers are always great readers too, and i do love to read. i wouldn't consider myself extremely WELL read, but i'm getting there. as an aspiring great writer and reader, i need to figure out what styles i really like and could possibly emulate in some small way in the hopes of discovering my own written voice in the world. something i have discovered upon being back, though, is that flannery o'connor speaks to my soul, and nathaniel hawthorne does not. and occassionally, and very surprisingly, i will stumble accross something by melville (of all people) that my heart will simply answer back to. i have always loved short stories, sometimes an un-riveting novel can really try my attention span. what else...oh yes: i hate throwing parties. love to be in attendance, but hate throwing the darn things! i guess i always have known this and i've always blamed it on my un-love for cooking (which is also changing) and now i realize that the social anxiety of it all is too much for this little city girl's heart to handle. i hate watching tv unless it is a show i'm invested in, you've always got to have a few, currently my top picks are:
1. so you think you can dance
2. say yes to the dress
3. history detectives
that's about all i have time for. i have rediscovered how much i LOVE going to the theatre though. whether it's a movie, play, concert, symphony, ballet...love 'em. ambiance is huge in my book. speaking of which: restaurants. only with good friends and dates you're not worried about impressing. when you're with someone new and slightly intimidating, the journey from dinner plate to mouth, via fork, can seem endless (and slightly rocky in my case). teaching and reading the Scriptures are also newly discovered loves. well, i've always read the scriptures, but now after i've bruised and blistered my knuckles on just about every door in cleveland because of them, i truly do love the educational and cathartic effects of an hour or so in their presence. luckily i get to explore both of these loves together as i am a relief society teacher in my ward. there really are so many incredible possibilities of ways that you can spend your days. now that my days are really endless p-days, what i fill them with seems almost an overwhelming and daunting task. what will i do with all of this time and opportunity? well, currently, a 2-pager on antigone is calling my name...