holiday cheer

i haven't felt holidayish. not one little bit. maybe it's the fact that this is my first christmas home in 3 years. or that carolyn is gone. or that chilly winter weather seems to trigger memories of hannukah, multiple layers of leggings, and ankle-length wool skirts and now i'm wearing knee-length ones. ghastly. plus, it's significantly warmer than i'm used to: 44 degrees and rainy. i love seattle. i also discovered that i hate racking my brain, when pressed, for things that i "want." if you have to think about it, it may not be that important. or needed. i've been so used to getting practical, heat-inducing gifts for the past 2 christmases, that i forgot what it was like to really want something. to be allowed to want something that was not going to be regifted to someone else. it was a strange feeling, and i don't think i liked it. presents are a bother. well, as i was reveling in this lack of holidayness, wondering how i'm ever going to fully enjoy my break at home, my mom pulls a fast one--we're starting a new tradition this year. the gist is to stuff 5 bright red envelopes with $20 each (and i suggested a pass-a-long card for the Church as well), and go to some forsaken place like a discount grocery store, or a kmart, and hand them out (quickly, mind you) to forlorn looking women with children. with a "merry christmas" we'd scurry off and out of sight. the idea was scintillating, but the morning of, i was scared to death. running into people i knew in the midst of the process didn't make it any easier either. but, with a good deal of faith, envelope in hand, i found two wonderful families in need, handed them the respective red saving graces and quipped out "feliz navidad" and left. phew. challenging, yes. but when it was all said and done, the christmas spirit was right where it ought to be: in the center of my heart.