James

I've been thinking a lot lately about a quote I saw in a book shop. It went something along the lines of, "In each of us lies a little of all of us." For me, that just reaffirms the fact that we all really are connected in some way...probably more intimately than we think. However it's the unseen and unspoken, yet heavily sensed social pressures that require us to form into separate little facades that cloud our divine similarities. I honestly do not believe that anyone is born with evil intentions. If you are religious, which I am, we would say that it's because we are all children of a loving, perfect, all-knowing God who has bestowed a little of His benevolent character on each of us. That was affirmed today. James Kim, a news editor from San Francisco was driving with his family home from a Thanksgiving holliday in Oregon when thier car took a wrong turn and hit a snow drift, stranding Kim, his wife, and two young daughters for over a week. With no cell phone signal, and food and sustainment supplies running low, James made a final heroic attempt to save his little family. He left the car with meager clothing and supplies to try and track down help. His wife and children were found safe and well a few days ago while sadly, his body was found today in the rugged and unforgiving Oregon terrain. To me, James personified heroism: he believed in his potential--that he just may have the ability to save his family from destruction, and he wasn't afraid to find out if he did or not. His life and death were selfless. His personality and valour should be emulated.

If that quote rings true, then we need to discover and celebrate our similarities! We are caught up in a world that would tell you to do everything in your power to resist conformity: get a tatoo, get high, quit school, or "stick it to the man." When really, if we all just spent a little time trying to discover the ties that bind us together as a human race, we would be more apt to realize our own potential for good in this world. Deep, deep down, we are all kind, we are all searching for love and affection, we are all scared, and we are all a little "looser-ish", but we all have something to contribute. For me, I hope I can find a little of James Kim in me, in all of us, someday...

So, I realize that this is a long overdue post...probably too long. A lot has happened actually--don't think it hasn't! I haven't been sitting around in my bunny slippers waiting for something noteworthy to happen so I can write about it...that's just not the way I roll. I've been thinking a lot lately about a favorite quote of mine: "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself!" How prophetic is that?! Seriously--too many people, especially in a homogenized community like Provo, spend way too much time worrying about becoming certain people, living up to expectations, finding the right fit for thier lives, when really, what they should be doing is making the kind of lives they want to lead! I've always thought the phrase, "You can be whatever you want to be," to be so trite, but how true it really is! We, as intelligent, living, breathing, priviledged human beings have the ultimate power to conciously look at a situation we are given, decide we don't like it, and CHANGE it! We can be sad, happy, sexy, witty, unconventional, all by deciding to be so! I recently came to an amazing epiphane about my life: everything I do (or did) is becuase I cared about what other people thought of me. I did everything based on that premise--I told jokes that I thought would boost my popularity quotient with someone, I dressed a certain way to grab some male attention, I did all of these things because I thought that it mattered...it doesn't. I was so concerned with living the way I thought people wanted me to live, I forgot to stay in tune with what I really want in life. I came to a very stark realization...today, about a relationship I was shamelessly trying to pursue. I wanted it to work out SO badly--I thought they were perfect, I thought they were worthy, I thought they were everything I thought I wanted in life...but I was wrong. Truth be told, I should have trusted my gut from the beginning--you know that nagging, nauseous, annoying, scooped out feeling you get when you KNOW something isn't right for you, but you make up excuses, justifying yourself in your known wrongness. That feeling sucks, but it's kind of like Epicac or Simon Cowell: It may not feel good at the moment, but it's good for you in the long run. I am so free right now--I have virtually no responsibility outside of homework, I have great friends, killer wit, I go to a great school, have a great family...why am I so worried about fulfilling other voids in my life right now? I should really just be content, and focused on improving me mE ME!! This is really the only time in my life I have to be completely selfish, somewhat carefree, and intune with my personal needs without worrying how it will affect someone else. Basically, I just need to take Ja Rule's advice and start "Livin' it up."

I honestly believe that no experience is wasted. Sure, some of them are harder, funner, or easier to go through than others, but at the end of it all, we all come out as a better, more learned version of ourselves. I thought tonight, for a brief, glistening moment that I wished I could start this school year over again...start BYU over again...start high school...start a lot of things. How much better would my life really be if I could go back knowing what I know now? It's funny, but everything, both bad and good, that I've gone through in life has taught me a lesson, a lesson I probably couldn't have learned in any other way. Thomas Eddison once said, after several hundred failed attempts at creating the light bulb, that he had not considered his endeavors as faliures, but that he had merely learned several hundred ways NOT to make a light bulb. Well, I think I've almost caught up to Eddison's numbers of how not to do certain things: How not to confront someone you still want to be your friend in the end, how not to share secrets, how not to take for granted the small, simple, beautiful things of life. I may have allready ruined one of those small and simple beauties this year--the beauty of a new friendship. With catty, selfish pride I ended everything merely with the tone of my voice in answering a question. I wonder how I let myself do things like that, how those things just happen and before you know it, you're sitting on your couch alone watching reruns of "Flava of Love." It's just pathetic. I really should consider getting an editing chip for my mouth. And even though this friendship, or relationship, or whatever you want to categorize it as probably wouldn't have worked out, the thing that gets me is the fact that there is someone in this world thinking badly of me. I'm tarnished to them. So we'll just add that to my "How NOT to..." list.

En mi cabeza...

I don't know what it is about this year, but it's got me feeling wierder and wierder all of the time...kind of like a rollercoaster that rises and swells with excitement every now and then, but then leaves you hanging in the lurch of monotiny often times. I had so many hopes, so many items on my social wish list for this semester, but I'm beginning to feel like a kid on welfare at Christmas time who only gets one, or a cheaper, generic brand of one item--and that's it!

First of all, my ward: socially, it's not bad, and it could definitely be worse, but why do I feel so intimidated that I shut up like a clam, and do that dorky hands-in-the-pocket stance everytime there is a mix and mingle function? Ah! It's SO frustrating...it's like my body is physically telling me to be a wallflower--that it just won't let me get outside of my comfort zone and do something totally off the wall...like smile at someone! But I know I'm not meant to be that way! I just, can't, or atleast haven't figured out a decent way to approach any strangers yet, which could come as a handicap in about 9 months when I'm out reaping the harvest of the white field. But sometimes, sometimes, I'll get lucky and an appropriate introductory phrase will just fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to think twice about it and stop it...those times are great, those times have never really turned out badly, so why do they happen so infrequently? In the words of Ariel, "I want mooooooooooore!!"

Then there's this whole mission dilemma...this too rises and swells with inspiration and a desire to go and serve, but the thought of all that time away from home, school, family, friends, is just a little more than I can stand to bare at this point. But who knows...I've always felt though, even over this summer, that whatever happens this year will be big, for the best, and will definitely change my life. IF there's anything that I've learned from this year so far, it's that circumstances, desires, and yes even some goals are fluid, with the ability to change anytime.

Unfortunately, on top of everything else, school is not going as well as it could...I think that becuase my summer break was so much shorter this year, that I kind of consider September and October as my July and August. I have a 3 page paper due in two days that I don't have a solid topic for yet, a Market research class that I am barely beginning to understand, and Biology, well, that's just off in a realm all it's own...4 hours and 2 chapters later, I am starting to grasp some basic concepts.

Oh well, as Gloria Estefan says, "the rythm is going to get you," maybe I'll catch that hard-working, social, mission bug sooner or later...

Shady Lady no more...

As my old pal Celine would say, "A new day has come!" (and a collective sigh of relief swept of the readers who now realize that this is not another sob-fest blog entry!! hurray for Perkaset!! totally joking...) I cannot even describe the hope and peace and excitement that I feel right now! I just had such an epiphane tonight about my life, who I want to be, and who I definitley DON'T want to be. It seems like my whole life I've always wanted to be THAT girl, you know, the one the boys all loved, and the one with a million friends who was smart, pretty, good at everything, blah de blah blah. However, somehow, wires got crossed along the way, and I created this shy, dark, and yes even snotty, psuedo mystery woman self. After awhile, I became so sononymous with it, I just kept cultivating it until it consumed me...I realize now that I wasn't happy, I wasn't living the kind of life I wanted to --I was missing out on so much just trying to keep up the image of this alter persona, I had completely forgotten to be me! I'm lucky that I didn't completely miss the friendship boat though, and have been so fortunate to be able to really talk about this with them. Think about it, we are here for four, maybe five short years, that's it! Then we're thrown out into the harsh world outside of Utah Valley and expected to suddenly make our own fun...our own friends. Because believe it or not, but "3 Truths and a lie" probably won't be surfacing in the Manhattan singles ward. So basically, I just want to be able to make the most of my time here. Just thought you'd want to know...

Silver platter day...

ok, so you know those days when you would just like everyone's head on a silver platter? well, i know my writing has been, shall we say, of the pessimistic persuasion as of late, but today was just rediculous!! i had about 120 pages to read for one class--ONE class! so (granted, it was my fault that i put it off for that long), i skipped two of my favorite classes today just so that i could finish it becuase i knew there would be a quiz on all of it, all ambiguous 120 pages of it...WRONG!! wrong, wrong, doube wrong!! ugh, i got to class to find: a.) a substitute professor, b.) an assignment that somehow circulated to everyone else but me, c.) the reading has been moved back a whole week! i just sacrificed a lot to get work done for this class, and it is so frustrating when that goes unrecognized or unhonored. but, after a navajo taco with my sister, everything cooled down, i just needed a good vent session. maybe an episode of Flava of Love will be just the ticket to top it all off, on the other hand, probably not...

Oh, the anxiety!!

Well, today was a bad/good day...we'll call it bood, or maybe gad. On the positive side of things, I seriously enjoyed almost every class I had today--graphic design, choir, and even biology was ok, allthough after catching myself doodling some nifty little logos on my notes during the entire schpeal of Dr. Larry Lee, I realized how hard I am actually going to have to work to get a decent grade. Then Women's Chorus adutions came up, and they actually went well, better than I expected. After that, I spent a whopping $155 on books for one class--uno! That's it! How can three little books for an Ethics class cost that much all together!! I mean, come on Dr. Stoker--Momma needs some new highlights!! I need to go to the dollar theatre everyonce in awhile!! Ok, so maybe I'm overreacting just a little, but if you don't know me, then you obviously don't know what an incredible tight wad I am!! Seriously, you think that you like to save a buck or two every now and then, I will honestly go out of my way to avoid handing over my hard earned $7.50/hr to the every growing, faceless, corporate shame that is the American market. Then, there was the ward activity. Enough said for some of you, becuase that may be like hearing the words "games" and "friday night date" together in the same sentence. I absolutley detest large group gatherings where a bunch of strangers are expected to mingle, I mean come on! We're all insecure, incredibly shallow (at times) humans! No way are we going to go up to someone and just start gabbing! I spent almost the entire evening in that wierd both-hands-in-the-pockets stance, while getting pelted by water balloons. Not fun. The sad part is though, the really sad part, is that I know I can only blame myself for not having fun--that's it, no one else! I am in charge of my own destiny!!! No matter how much self confidence I think that I need in order to meet people, I really just need to suck it up, bite the bullet, stick out my right hand and say those three little words that stand between me being alone friday nights and out doing something with friends: "Hi, I'm Charlotte..."

P-Town...

Well, I'm "back in the saddle again," I guess you could say. Yep, I've moved into my new apt., kissed the family goodbye, and the first day of school is looming over the Wasatch horizon, and I think I'm getting pretty close to ready for it: New pens, check. New planner, check. First round of choir auditions, check. And now the first Sunday in the new ward is over. The new school year hurdles are being jumped, one at a time. The excitement for all of this newness is still there, but there is also this feeling of untapped potential inside of me that I feel I need to work hard to discover this next year. I still need to figure out things like if I'm going to serve a Mission, change my major, go away for a semester on an international internship, etc. But right now, at the smell of my apt., I'm trying to figure out if I burnt my soup for dinner yet or not...

Last day of work!!! and my hair...

Have you ever gotten a REALLY bad haircut? I mean a disgustingly frayed and choppy pile of string on your scalp? Well, I did...on Saturday! I mean, this hairdresser literally said, "Just so you know, I will kind of do my own thing, but I'll work with you." Can you believe it!! Well, I cried, oh my gosh did I cry (ok, sounds a little like that 4 Non-Blondes song there...) and I had an especially bad break down right before church because I was determined everyone would think I looked like a boy...but lo and behold, the hair dresser angels were smiling down on me, becuase after I fixed myself up, I actually liked it so much better!! So, if you happen to see me around campus you'll just have to judge for yourself whether I'm approaching that gender-switching hair barrier or not...but if you do recognize me, you probably spend way too much time on facebook anyways, so who are you to judge?!? haha...well, yes it's true, this is also my last day of work...it's been good, but I'm excited to go back to school, and get back into the rigamaroll of things again. And today is my last, sniff, time downtown! With buildings over 10 stories!!! ahhh!!! and the ocean, and everything that I love dearly about this city!!! Oh well, I'll just have to see what Provo has in store for me this year...

Friday, Friday...

Yay! The weekend has arrived, the sun is shining and we got pizza at work today...well, I realize that I haven't written in awhile, so here is a little update: I leave the beautiful city of Seattle next Thursday for Provo--ickily hot, mountainous Provo, but I'm excited none the less! I do love being at home with the oceanic views, the liberals, the Starbucks on every corner, and buildings over 5 stories (the SWKT does NOT count!)...School should be good though. It's gonna be a hard adjustment living with people I don't know, working everyday and having to start being serious about my classes becuase, yes, I will need to actually know this stuff in the future!!! But I'm excited for the new wardies, the parties, and of course my late-night dates with "Harry Lee." I also haven't seen my amigos in awhile too, so that will be fun, even though we'll be, sniff, about 5 blocks away from eachother! Brynn and I are thinking about starting a band. Me on drums, her on the keyboard, Alyssa on the groovy tambourine, and Jaimo, or maybe Brandon on guitar. I wanted to call it THE CHARLOTTE PROJECT, or maybe the less austentacious, THE CHARLOTTE EXPERIENCE. However, I was shot down both times. sheesh. Well, I guess I have more important things to think about now, like packing, saying goodbye to high school friends, and my brow waxing appointment with a woman named Paulette on Tuesday...

Sick day...

Last night was just terrible...you know that dry, irritated, scratchy feeling you get on the roof of your mouth when you've been breathing out of your mouth for a while because your nose is too clogged up to inhale/exhale out of? Well, that was my night...pure torture!!! I don't know how I mustered up the strength to make it into work today--my ears are so stuffed up that I can hardly hear a thing, my eyes are runny, my nose, well, it's practically running away from me, and my mouth, well let's not even talk about how dry it is! Luckily though, the pounding headache that I had yesterday is gone.

So, I got some more stuff to do at work today--surprising how quickly the time flies by when you're occupied. Not that data entry is intellectually stimulating, but atleast it's something to do...

When I was cleaning my room last night, I got a really good idea for a story (short story) to write, so I can't wait to get home, get into my sweats with a brownie sundae, curl up on my back porch with my cat and my notebook, and just write away...

Yep, well, that's about it for today--Adios!!!

The life of a Data Entry Slave...

Staring out the window of the 40th floor of my place of employment I can see the Space Needle and a sweeping view of Puget Sound. I can make myself virtually ANY mocktail under the sun, use a pretty nifty set of binoculars to stare at my worker-bee counterparts accross the street, oh, and have time to create this blogspot because I am the last one here, and was left with zilch, sip, nunca, nada to do!!! Some might say that this is a pretty plush set up, but I really cannot stand idle time at the workplace. At home, that's another thing, because I'm constantly surrounded by things to do, such as my ever-growing pile of scrapbooks to make, songs to learn, or books to read. But here, I just try and make myself look busy by typing away on the computadora, fantasizing that I am penning some sleek little column for the New Yorker or something of that ilk....not to worry, dear reader, my summer of "looking busy" will come to an end soon as I am heading back to the "Y" in 2 1/2 weeks to start my junior year!! I don't know why, but I get this whinnied, heart-pounding excitement whenever I think about this next school year--who knows what it will bring? A killer internship at a fabulous ad agency or magazine? True love? The discovering of my life's destiny? A new book penned by yours truly? Or maybe just a great set of roommates who will do thier dishes! haha... well, whatever it is, I'll keep you posted! Cheers!!