holiday cheer

i haven't felt holidayish. not one little bit. maybe it's the fact that this is my first christmas home in 3 years. or that carolyn is gone. or that chilly winter weather seems to trigger memories of hannukah, multiple layers of leggings, and ankle-length wool skirts and now i'm wearing knee-length ones. ghastly. plus, it's significantly warmer than i'm used to: 44 degrees and rainy. i love seattle. i also discovered that i hate racking my brain, when pressed, for things that i "want." if you have to think about it, it may not be that important. or needed. i've been so used to getting practical, heat-inducing gifts for the past 2 christmases, that i forgot what it was like to really want something. to be allowed to want something that was not going to be regifted to someone else. it was a strange feeling, and i don't think i liked it. presents are a bother. well, as i was reveling in this lack of holidayness, wondering how i'm ever going to fully enjoy my break at home, my mom pulls a fast one--we're starting a new tradition this year. the gist is to stuff 5 bright red envelopes with $20 each (and i suggested a pass-a-long card for the Church as well), and go to some forsaken place like a discount grocery store, or a kmart, and hand them out (quickly, mind you) to forlorn looking women with children. with a "merry christmas" we'd scurry off and out of sight. the idea was scintillating, but the morning of, i was scared to death. running into people i knew in the midst of the process didn't make it any easier either. but, with a good deal of faith, envelope in hand, i found two wonderful families in need, handed them the respective red saving graces and quipped out "feliz navidad" and left. phew. challenging, yes. but when it was all said and done, the christmas spirit was right where it ought to be: in the center of my heart.

advice

if i can give you two pieces of advice, it would be thus:

1. don't buy anything full price at the gap, it will go on sale for $10.99 within a month.
2. if you're ever bored in the library, don't decide for your bangs that they need a good trim. with paper shears. trust me on this one. (bobby pins are a God-sent).

giving thanks in the sun

i've never worn a swimming suit over thanksgiving break. ever. but over the last two thanksgivings, i haven't shown much leg, either. this being the first thanksgiving i've eaten with my family in 3 years, something had to be different. on tuesday, claire, sophie, henry, steve (the best home teacher ever) and i all drove south of the snow, wind, and rain and into palm trees and pruneville: peoria, az. i got to spend the week with two of my baby cousins: raquel (3) and natalia (1) (fondly known as "batalia"). waking up to a peach sherbet-colored sky every morning and hitting the streets on the fairway for my run at 8am with no one in sight (snow birds like to sleep late, i guess), was absolute bliss! later in the mornings, baby batalia and i would go out for a baby stroll, and we'd come home to lovely french toast and homemade orange juice. jealous? i'd always said that i hate extreme temperature places and could never live in them, but here among the adobe, mild november sun, last chance, palm trees, outdoor pools and the best mexican food you've ever had, i may be changing my mind.

brick

"I can't help myself, I've fallen down, I'm falling hard for you," so sings Crystal Method. I know, I know. But these Steele-esque lyrics are kind of the theme to this week. I have a weakness. Nearly a disease, really. I confuse attraction with like, and liking a few good qualities with love in the span of about 24 hours and multiple facebook prowls later. It's sick. I'm not proud of it, but it's terminal. It's completely my fault why it hurts so bad when you finally realize that of course, anyone handsome, spiritual, smart AND athletic would be seeing someone. Of course. But "unofficially seeing someone" isn't really a hopeless situation, is it? The door is still ajar, right? Glass half-full. Glass half-full...i think that two of my friends and i are riding the same boat...to half-full/empty glass-dom. It's not the worst place to be, but it's a place you don't want to stay for too long. If you get too hopeful you could fall harder in the end, and you don't want to replace faith with doubt either.

it's a man's world...(apparently)

on july 3rd, 1986 just after midnight, ruth elizabeth peterson haynie had just closed the back cover of ernest hemingway's "immovable feast." then her water broke. less than an hour later, the world had me. i think the obsession began then. or maybe it started in the eight grade on my "american heritage" tour of the east coast, when one night my hotel mates and i discovered "in love and war", starring chris o'donnel (be still my soul), and wept profusely when agnes never went back to michigan. probably not as much as he did. either way, i have an insane fascination/obsession with ernest hemingway. he was a man's man, yet he had a house full of cats. a soldier, expatriate, yet a lover of words and several women. this little city girl's perfect soulmate on paper, but he's not here anymore. either way, based on my recent dating ventures at byu, it's apparent that there was shrapnel on Heaven's floor on july 21, 1899 when the world had him, too. i feel like i have been dating a string of women since returning home. if they aren't telling me that i am dressed a little "shabby" for a quick run to the grocery store on a saturday night, they are correcting me on some recent celebrity gossip. this madness has got to stop! whatever happened to the throaty, dark, mountain lodge-y types of the 1900s? gone, gone with the wind. it seems almost an epidemic in utah valley culture to breed hypersensitive, pastel-appreciating, media snobs who can wield a left foot with as much gusto as a spatula. i can maybe whip something up in the microwave or on a george foreman. maybe. i guess the reason this discomforts me so much is because i am not a "girl's girl." never have been. sure, i like to dress up, smell nice, swoon when i see bale, and i want my butt to look stellar in my sevens, but i would take a mariner's game over a bridal shower, kelly clarkson concert or shopping spree almost anyday. cereal. pink has never been a favorite, and it never will be. i am very intouch with my feminine side, don't get me wrong, but there is something so freeing about waking up, contemplating not showering for the day, lounging around in the pjs and eating bowl after bowl of frosted mini wheats. this may suprise some of my readers, as i have been told recently that my image does not give off this vibe. being pink (or really a deep, purple in my case) needs to have a balance. and someday, i will.

a few of my favorite things...

i don't really have a desire to spout verse about raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. and bright copper kettles certainly don't get my water boiling...pun! but, in the middle of this whole reconnection with the world process, i thought i'd brainstorm a little more and share some of MY favorite (not Maria's) things with the world, or just with you:
1. rainy days. depending on what i'm doing, i prefer the rain over the sun.
2. wasl (if you haven't tried it, you haven't lived).
3. pedicures (there's just something about someone yelling at me in broken english,"lady, pick yo' color!")
4. hiking to beautiful places.
5. diners (my secret life goal is to become fluent in "diner speak")
6. people with lazy eyes.
7. state fairs. and the food. oh, the food!
8. compilations of short stories.
9. witty ads.
10. cats. don't judge.
11. the paper supply aisle during back to school season. be still my heart!
12. getting inspiration in the shower. usually for advertising.
13. cary grant movies.
14. going to sleep in a sleeping bag.
15. nanaimo bars. they speak to my soul.
16. yiddish phrases.
17. leather sectionals. don't ask, i'm not even from idaho!
18. gelato.
19. writing in my journal. outside. in a cafe. in paris. watching other people.
20. clean-smelling vintage stores.
21. cupcakes.
22. peonies.
23. international soccer.
24. harry potter anything.
25. waterfalls.
26. ikea.
27. costco sample saturdays.
28. road trips.
29. 80s/90s nostalgic films.
30. power ballads.
Thirty's enough for now. I'm surprised that you've lasted this long reading...

re-branding

sometimes your life is in need of a little "rebrand." i should know all about this--i rebrand jewlery stores, scholarship office images and famous talking bears all day long. since being home, i really haven't done anything physically drastic to myself, like most returned sisters do. no major weightloss or weight gain (thank Heavens!!), no new hair color, eye color, no tanning, plumping, nipping or tucking. but i feel like i could improve my outward image a bit. i'm caught right now in that limbo (still) of trying to figure out who exactly i am, post-mission. you get so used to following the schedule and trying your best to do everything right that you forget what you used to fill your down time with. i actually really hate down time now, and i'm grateful i don't have a lot of it, but on the weekends and weekdays when i don't have to constantly think about re-branding the stores, offices and talking bears, it would be nice to connect with what i used to love to do, becuase THAT will be the first key in re-branding the outer me. what do i like to do anyways? i am majoring in advertising and creative writing, and i do love to wield a pen. simply adore it. but all great writers are always great readers too, and i do love to read. i wouldn't consider myself extremely WELL read, but i'm getting there. as an aspiring great writer and reader, i need to figure out what styles i really like and could possibly emulate in some small way in the hopes of discovering my own written voice in the world. something i have discovered upon being back, though, is that flannery o'connor speaks to my soul, and nathaniel hawthorne does not. and occassionally, and very surprisingly, i will stumble accross something by melville (of all people) that my heart will simply answer back to. i have always loved short stories, sometimes an un-riveting novel can really try my attention span. what else...oh yes: i hate throwing parties. love to be in attendance, but hate throwing the darn things! i guess i always have known this and i've always blamed it on my un-love for cooking (which is also changing) and now i realize that the social anxiety of it all is too much for this little city girl's heart to handle. i hate watching tv unless it is a show i'm invested in, you've always got to have a few, currently my top picks are:
1. so you think you can dance
2. say yes to the dress
3. history detectives
that's about all i have time for. i have rediscovered how much i LOVE going to the theatre though. whether it's a movie, play, concert, symphony, ballet...love 'em. ambiance is huge in my book. speaking of which: restaurants. only with good friends and dates you're not worried about impressing. when you're with someone new and slightly intimidating, the journey from dinner plate to mouth, via fork, can seem endless (and slightly rocky in my case). teaching and reading the Scriptures are also newly discovered loves. well, i've always read the scriptures, but now after i've bruised and blistered my knuckles on just about every door in cleveland because of them, i truly do love the educational and cathartic effects of an hour or so in their presence. luckily i get to explore both of these loves together as i am a relief society teacher in my ward. there really are so many incredible possibilities of ways that you can spend your days. now that my days are really endless p-days, what i fill them with seems almost an overwhelming and daunting task. what will i do with all of this time and opportunity? well, currently, a 2-pager on antigone is calling my name...

catch up

Some days are the days when you find yourself standing in front of your bathroom mirror, ironing your blouse with your hair straightener and your toothbrush hanging out the corner of your mouth with toothpaste dribbling down your chin. You have 5 minutes to spare--that's when he's coming. Who, you may ask? The guy you met in the library approximately 45 minutes ago and agreed to a last-minute class-required play-attendance date for this evening, in 4 minutes, 48 seconds. You suddenly catch the falling dribble of Crest from your chin, hurriedly grab your towel while knocking over your hairspray (waiting for it's inevitable mobilization) and you stop. Think: 'How in the world did I get here? Who am I meeting? And why?!' Today was one of those days. You will find yourself here one day, wondering how one agreement led to another: one moment you're reading "A Doll House" and trying to interpret the revolutionary Victorian melodrama of Ibsen, and the next you're booking it down the hill, jaywalking, really, home just as fast as Mr. Franco Sarto can carry you. You plan on showering and doing a full blowout in record time to meet some unknown for a date, for who knows why, and now we're back to the ironing-the-blouse-with-a-straightener scene, and the dribble seems more awe-originated. You will find yourself in this position one day. One day when a series of events makes absolutely no sense at all, and you ask your self how you got to "point D." I've been there before, many times. It's thrilling in it's own right, don't get me wrong, but those moments reaffirm even more strongly that life is VERY interesting. Especially now that things in the love department have spun completely out of control and so far from what I would've imagined. Ever. Stay tuned...

The Lebron Year...

Well, I'm 23 next week (Lebron Jame's famous digits, in case you're a little sports illiterate), and being ALMOST a quarter of a century kind of makes a girl think...what have I learned over the past 276 months of existence...well I'll tell you: (in random order)

23. The rain makes for a priceless ambiance.
22. When you find a good friend who is also a good listener, hold on!
21. There is nothing more awesome than the "Magic Bullet" infomercial. Nothing.
20. After all the hissy-fits, Christian Bale still does it for me.
19. The Mariner's are the most magical team in the world!
18. A person who is nice to you but mean to the waiter is not a nice person.
17. The words "you're my hero" from your little sister never get old or trite.
16. A mission is the best decision anyone could make!! (And the hardest thing you'll ever love).
15. The whole Adam and Eve forbidden fruit principle is TOTALLY true: you always want what you can't have.
14. Being handed a homemade basket by a 90-year old out of a white-washed hut in Mexico is more valuable than my Dolce and Gabbana handbag.
13. Homemade lasagna and "Sleepless in Seattle" is sometimes better than reservations and box seats.
12. The greatest test of your relationship potential with someone is whether or not they're fun to go grocery shopping with.
11. There is nothing more satisfying than dotting that last period on the page of an essay.
10. Peeing your pants while laughing is going to be worth it...eighteen months later.
9. A dissappointment in life is your opportunity to shine brighter than the rest!
8. You will never regret being too nice to someone.
7. "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."-Fran, Strictly Ballroom
6. The power of faith is the most underestimated power in the Gospel.
5. Kirtland is the best kept secret of the Church!
4. The sign of true intellectual maturity is choosing to read a book over channel surfing.
3. Corndogs, funnel cakes, elephant ears, strawberry lemonades and rollercoasters=Heaven.
2. No matter what you do, there are still people who love you and will forget about it in 2 mins. flat!
1. Pray always and be believing. That is the secret to happiness and success.

midnight

do yourself a favor, a HUGE favor. trust me, you'll want to tune into this one: never, i repeat: NEVER under any circumstances spend more than 2 minutes on facebook past midnight. frankie valli was right..."oh, what a night!" there seems to be this magic adrenal rush that happens. mormon alcohol, if you will, that pumps you full of confidence and into stupidity more than anything. now with foot in mouth (or in my hands?) i dodge public appearances, in pursuit of la dolce vita.  

zombie

I'm sneaking Junior Mints in the library right now, in sight of the "No food or drinks, please!" sign. Such a rebel. Me and Jesse James. But, I have a good excuse for it: I've been looking a little bit like "death warmed over lately," and I've heard that mint and chocolate can give you a much needed pep-in-your-step. 4 hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks, junk food, and cramming weeks worth of Spanish 102 vocab into my brain at 2 a.m. has finally started taking its toll. What took it so long?! It's been a little scary how much my body can handle this many late-night study sessions, 100% carb intake days and virtually no sleep. Yikes. Seriously, in the end, though, this will pay off. I just landed a $30,000,000 radio campaign that is set to go on the air this week (pat on back), and the sleepless nights have done it for me. I guess while I'm young and hearty and oh so single, this is a totally possible lifestyle. I don't know how Mr._________ is going to feel about his wife doing this someday, but then again, I would never marry anyone who wasn't understanding...

My Prom Date is gonna be a Dad

I know, it sounds like a bad Lifetime movie, but it's true. Being in Provo again is such a reality check. You realize how much the world has been moving around you, while you have been "in it, and not of it." I really feel like the 50-something Mother who decided to come back and complete her education--everyone is so young here. But I feel like I don't really fit my age bracket anymore. I'm either too young, or too old, or not really interested in doing the things everyone else is doing right now. It's kind of like when you were growing up and the age minimum at the "adult table" at Thanksgiving dinner seemed to always move up: first it was anyone who was a teenager, then anyone who was legally an adult, then anyone in college, now it's anyone who's married with children! And believe me, I'll stick to indestructible plastic wear, colorful napkins and food fights with three-year olds just to avoid qualifying for that one. It's hard not the have the big M and C words (marriage and children) constantly on the mind at BYU. They're either getting hitched or birthed just about as fast as the grounds crew can plant bulbs. Is it so wrong to just want an apartment full of best friends, takeout, and road trips forever? I must have missed the memo on hitting adulthood when you are an RM. Suddenly teh job market is an ever-so low-looming cloud approaching. Dating is for keeps now. And by the way, maybe I should start thinking about stocks, 401ks and insurance?! 

Adolescence Part II

Spending time with my 13 year-old sister this past weekend really has taken a toll on my post-mission readjustment psyche. Yikes. I realized that in starting my life over as a young, American twenty-something, there are things that I am still oh so adolescent about. Readjusting to real life after a mission is kind of like going through puberty again, or revisiting all of those painful rites of passage that I thought I had already successfully passed through. If I learned anything from this weekend, it was that I am still back at square one now more than ever. I'm back to being the new girl in 8th grade, the one alone at the lunch table hoping to not stand out too much, trying to find some busy work to do (like applying the 50th layer of chapstick) to avoid the looks of disapproving "cool kids," but wanting so badly to gain an occasional nod of acceptance every now and then. I am still that girl. The one trying to find her way through the web of confusing corridors, hallways and abbreviations that inundate you as a new middle-schooler, only now, I'm trying to relearn modern American lingo that has changed in the last 19 months: "twitter," "scene" and "Robert Pattinson" (more to come on that later)...

Coming to the realization amidst painting your fingernails to the tune of "Hey, Juliet" that your fears and aspirations at 13 are now your fears and aspirations at 22 1/2 can be a little disheartening! I thought, 'have I changed at all?' Or was my mission such a refreshing new beginning that I am at the starting line, on the cusp of a real life (without cotton) yet again, naturally? Is this how life works? You go through an altering, extended, displacing experience and upon your return to your former state of being, you find yourself jumping through some all too familiar social hoops once again?  Is this part of the "become like a little child" experience where, now equipped with supposed greater knowledge, confidence and skill, you are expected to almost repeat some of the same experiences you once had to face? One thing I was SURE of when I left my mission was that I could handle any social situation at any given time. I had had 18 months of striking up controversial conversations with complete strangers on their doorsteps, in the streets, and all over the parking lots of Cleveland, Ohio...Single's Ward? No prob. Wrong. Cheeks still turned red. Jawbones still quivered, and awkward exits post introductions were indeed made. 8th grade all over again. 

Saturday afternoon, we went to the Crest to see "Twilight." Thoroughly convinced by my preconceived notion that it was another "lame" teen movie that I was just humoring my sisters by going to. Wrong again. I found myself experiencing those same twittering butterflies and wide-eyed fascination when you discover your first celebrity heart-throb. Yep, you guessed it: I am a "Cullenite." And by now, I know (via Google) just about everything I could ever even hope to know about Robert Pattinson. Ah, young, highly unattainable love. 

So, with these startling new discoveries, is there any hope for me and my ability to readjust to life as red-blooded, socially acceptable American co-ed? Stay tuned.